THIS IS.

Perhaps inspired by my name, I embark on a life outside of “or” and dive into a world of “and,” a world without polarizing dichotomies. I am happy and sad, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. I continue to search and create a language, both syntactically and visually, that enables deep communication within myself and with others, where one unearths meaning and thoughts instead of limiting them with pre-made finite definitions. 

Through my art I explore time within time, non-linear and non-binary identities, negative and positive space weaving within itself. The world is in a perpetual state of motion, so how can one thing be only one thing. 

I do not like talking about my art a lot, I’m good at making up meaning which confuses me. Most of the time meaning feels applied, longed for by hungry viewers who have been trained to try to “make sense” of the abstract. When one sees a Picasso painting most people immediately try to put it back together, they find objects, “oh there is a chair, or a face.”  Perhaps this is due to language, for that which has no name doesn’t exist? What is a chair called that cannot be sat in? However, why would Picasso dismantle and dismember “reality” for you to simply put it back together? Does an object change when meaning is applied to it via language, does its “function” change, or, is it our prospective that changes? If a chair was called a table, and you sat on it, would you be sitting on a table? These thoughts are exercises of the mind, they do not need to be answered, just as Picassos paintings do not need to be “put back together.” 

The same is true for writers such as Beckett. His words do not follow a linear way of thinking, they exist in a different time, a different rhythm and speed. His words also do not need to be rearranged to make sense. We must surrender to his mind. As a viewer or reader, let us try to experience the art without apply meaning, without cleaning it up, so to speak. Let us simply experience the abstract for what it is, a different language, and different way of seeing. By different I mainly mean, different from our every day images and conversations.

Perhaps it is human nature to categorize the world around us, to label things, furthermore, to label things in a hierarchical way, “best” “better” etc. Whether it is nature or nurture, abstract art tests that desire, it messes things up. 

I personally cringe when someone asks me the meaning of my art. I also hate saying “it’s up to you.” I really prefer the viewer to observe without words. I want to host a silent exhibition where no one can talk, because I also think viewers feel obligated to comment, to choose their “favorite,” associate the art with another artist, “this reminds me of____,” or ask other questions, which ends up limiting their own experience. 

I admit that I too am constantly working on this, I too feel the need to pick a favorite, or to understand a motive. But I feel this is counter to the way the world really is. Again, there is only an “or” if you choose it, instead there can be an “and.” How many times do people ask “how are you” and there is of course not one simple answer. Furthermore, there is no need to be one! We can be multiple things, have multiple favorites, and also, we can change! It is almost like Picasso wanting to unlearn how to paint, to paint like a child, with pure intuition, I want to unlearn how to observe the world and art, unlearn language, and then recreate it in accordance with my intuitive feelings. 

Please know, I am not saying that art that has clear meaning is inauthentic, I’m only saying it isn’t my art. It also must be noted that sometimes learning the meaning about a piece can change the way it looks, can make it even more beautiful. Sometimes learning the context, the dates in which it was created etc, breathes new life into a piece. For example, to me Mondrian was a punk (in a good sense), his peers were mostly creating realistic paintings and he was painting squares. To me learning this actually made the squares more beautiful, more powerful. 

There is one other element to my relationship with meaning. Guilt. I feel guilty sometimes and not a “real” artist because my art does not have direct meaning. I am not painting something about global warming, or race, or gender… at least not consciously. If I had to fill out an application for an artist grant it would be full of lies. Sometimes meaning does emerge after the creation, sometimes I can see certain dreams or trips or thoughts in my work. But when that happens it is always after the fact, after creation, it is not applied, it surfaces on its own. And if it feels inauthentic it is but a passing observation. If it feels like home, I keep it, but it still remains next to the work, not within it. 

In the end, or in the beginning, or in the ending beginning or beginning end, my artwork is a non-linear process. I am not working towards something, rather within something. Creating allows me to “not think,” to not think with words. Strangely, even my poetry seems to allow that. Perhaps then, I mean not without words, but without confined meaning, pre-established definitions. 

My art, and life, are in a perpetual state of possibilities, embracing the unknown, the unspoken. It is hard work, it is work to wade in uncertainty, to create my own idea of a “successful life.” It is work not to apply meaning, to be patient and see if it surfaces on its own, and if it doesn't, to embrace that. However, to me this is the only mental work that is important, by working on this we begin to see each human as an individual, each day and moment as an eternity. We stop judgement, we stop categorizing people and days and events, we embrace this abstract world, for that is what it is an abstract world!!